When it comes to Popeye
everything you been taught about him is a lie, half-truth or innuendo
Some of the best stories can be heard around a campfire
When you don’t know where to start
a good rule of thumb is start at the beginning
Abandoned as a baby by his father, Poopdeck Pappy, Popeye found himself being raised in an orphanage. Even as an infant he smoked a pipe constantly, removing it from his mouth only for an occasional baby bottle of liquified hardtack. He was scrappy in his youth but avoided most fights until he was four, when he grew tired of the abuses of the orphanage superintendent and beat him soundly. He would soon leave the orphanage, but was destitute, with only old flour sacks for clothing. That’s when Whaler Joe met him and bought him some clothing and a new corncob pipe
By the time he was six he was exercising and improving his stamina, and he built a reputation with the local bullies. Popeye could not tolerate bullies and invariably laid them out. He was an excellent example for his youthful friends and convinced them to give up crap shooting, mainly because he was so much better than they. He always won 18 straight rolls and it was his favorite pastime, but when Whaler Joe struck hard times, he had to sell the lead from inside his beloved weighted dice. To further contribute, he decided to catch a whale, and rowed out to sea in a small dinghy, armed with only some thread and a bent pin as fishing tackle. The whales were amused, which angered Popeye, and the largest one blasted him with a spray of water that would have killed anyone else.
Popeye became furious and landed a single fatal punch on that whale, and by the time he was finished he returned to shore with the entire pod on his string.
Popeye matured quickly and was a full-grown man by the age of 12, when he was shanghaied. Someone spiked his soda and he woke to find himself on a ship. Using his fists, he subdued the crew, but soon decided that he liked sailing and joined willingly. It was a tough crowd, but young Popeye held his own until one fateful night following a craps game. He had won everyone’s money and the cook of the ship, a violent thug known as The Ape
decided that he would give Popeye a thrashing.
It was a horrible defeat for the young Popeye, and he lost his right eye in the battle. That defeat left him with the name “Pop-Eye,” after his popped right eye. For a time after that, whenever he was in a fight which was often
he used only his left arm to deliver punches because without his right eye, he couldn’t coordinate the strength of his right fist and would inadvertently kill whomever it landed on. He was a good man and tried not to kill his opponents, not when crippling them would suffice.
His shipmates often talked about women in a lascivious and disrespectful manner, and Popeye refused to participate, instead becoming more chivalrous and protective of any fair maiden in need, human or otherwise. When an Albatross in small lady’s shoes landed on the deck and The Ape grabbed it for cooking
Popeye wound up his fist and dispatched the bad guy
because that albatross could be someone’s sister.
As Popeye matured, he began travelling from port to port and finding adventures in different localities. He met the love of his life, Olive Oyl, through her brother, Castor Oyl. Olive at that time was seeing Ham Gravy, and she and Popeye argued often and didn’t like each other, but after months of bickering they realized they were right for each other, and Olive left Ham Gravy to be with the manliest man in all Mandom.
Later, a sailor loser named Bluto would spend a great deal of time and energy trying to steal Olive from Popey
, but Popeye always prevailed
often using his pipe in ways incomprehensible to the everyday land lubber
we won’t dicuss those incomprehensible ways at this time
Just know this
if you scour the bowels of the interwebs
you won’t find any Petroglyphs
of a bowl of salad
I was looking at this display of Mandom
you see the wild life laughing at him too?
Wouldn’t take much to set that grass on fire
and another thing
I don’t think he’s going to do well in a food riot