The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine General, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: “From the tip of my penis to my testicles.”
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received.
The Marine general insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop ’em. He did.
The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back. “My God man!” he said, “where are your testicles??”
It has been W A Y to long since we had a thread just for humor! Peruse your electronic files and provide us with a laugh!
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.” A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”🤔😎🤓🙀
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At the next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?”
“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!”
She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee and said, “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night.”
For my finale…..
One morning, a blind bunny was happily hopping down the bunny trail when he suddenly tripped over something large and fell, ker plop, right on his twitchy little nose. “Oh, I’m so sorry!” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see!”
“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the voice of a snake. “It was my fault too. I’m blind as well, so I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”
“Well, I’m not really sure,” said the bunny. “I’ve been blind my whole life and have never seen myself. Maybe you could feel me and tell me what I am?”
The snake agreed, and he gently felt the bunny all over. “Well,” the snake said, “you’re soft and cuddly, with long silky ears, a fluffy little tail, and an adorable twitchy nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!”
The bunny beamed with happiness. “Thank you so much! But what about you? What kind of animal are you?”
The snake paused for a moment, then said, “I’ve never known either. Maybe you could feel me and find out?”
The bunny agreed and carefully felt the snake from head to tail. After a moment of thought, the bunny replied, “Well, you’re cold, you’re slippery, and… you have no balls. You must be a politician!”
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, documnt their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submittd by UPS pilots (“P”) and solutions recorded (“S”) by maintenance engineers:
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget poundng on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
If you did not laugh at three or more, there is no help for you!!!!!
Have you ever wondered why it is acceptable to make jokes about Catholics, Protestants, the Pope, Jews, Christians, Hindus, the Irish, the Italians, the British, the Polish, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the Mexicans, the elderly, bad golfers, etc; however, it is insensitive to make jokes about Muslims?
We need to level the playing field for the sake of political correctness . . .
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:
1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a Muslim
6. If you can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, You may be a Muslim.
10. If you find this offensive and don’t forward it, You may be a Muslim.
White Privilege . . . can we make that a dirty word? Let’s go ahead and bury it with the N word in a different – seemingly – unmarked grave.
Spirit Airlines experienced an unruly passenger moment that could have been avoided if their flight attendants received proper instruction on critical race theory. Situations like the one you are about to watch in the clip below can be peacefully de-escalated when employees have been taught how to interact with other people, based on the color of one’s skin. (Truly, an emoji that goes brain dead and pops some bubble gum REALLY needs to be created)
Please enjoy this mornings episode of, “Karens in the Wild” that reportedly took place on a tarmac someplace in Sacramento CA. I know I sure did! WARNING: The following clip contains dirty words, including the F word and the W phrase
Unintended consequences (defined here pedantically as “results of an action or decision that were not part of the actor or decider’s intended effect”) are a constant in life; mostly due to the inability of human beings to see things from God’s perspective (really, we need to get on His level). And also something something butterflies, but mostly the first thing.
A related but not identical phenomenon can be called “unintended” consequences.
The intended consequence of Fidel Castro’s decision to put Che Guevara in charge of economic development in Cuba was to ensure the Cuban economy was remade in the Communist image. It didn’t have any positive consequences for the population – one decision he made I remember reading about was demolishing a million dollar fruit orchard in order to build a public soccer park, which ultimately saw almost no use at all. However, when you understand that Communists really don’t want any centers of wealth that aren’t under their exclusive control (regardless of how many people starve as a result), that consequences of that decision don’t seem so “unintentional”.
Closer to home, allowing illegal aliens to obtain driver’s and professional licenses is loudly proclaimed to be entirely about social justice – treating these nice ‘undocumented’ people as if their lawbreaking status didn’t matter (you’ll notice a common pattern with regards to the treatment of criminals) because obviously they’re uniformly wonderful people who came here to escape the unfortunate circumstances of the shitho- I mean the wonderful country they came from that has been negatively affected by American imperialism. Of course, it has a transparent ‘unintended’ purpose: increasing the social and political costs to deport them. “Oh, you can’t deport this strong, independent transperson – xir is a pillar of the local economy!” States cannot be allowed to aid in the enforcement of immigration policy in any way – as Az. governor Jan Brewer discovered in 2010 – but they can help tip the balance in favor of amnesty in any number of ways, and New Jersey is only the most recent example.
What about gun control? Well, common gun control proposals include registration requirements, increasing fees for transfer and licenses, and (a perennial favorite) massive insurance policies. Obviously no one could disagree that the intended purpose of all this is to reduce the appalling homicide rate in the US. I mean, did you know that just 13%… sorry, my editor is telling me I cannot finish that sentence without getting cancelled. Let’s try again: the ‘unintended’ consequence is ensuring that firearm ownership is financially out of reach for the unidentified demographic Mike Bloomberg told us he wanted to disarm in February of 2015.
Side note: While I appreciate Bloomberg’s honesty – genuinely, it was the thing I liked most about his abortive candidacy for President – I’m not impressed by the argument that a Constitutionally-protected right should be curtailed because some people abuse it.
A journalist asking the owner of a local pizzeria in Indiana whether they’d cater a gay wedding the day after the Obergfell ruling – and running the story nationally? Obviously the journalist didn’t have the intent of rousing a mob to enforce the new social paradigm against these people. Obviously there wasn’t an intent to cow opponents of gay marriage with threats of mob violence. It was just a public interest story – don’t ask why anyone would ever contract a pizzeria to cater a wedding, gay or not – and that journalist was totally blindsided by the family getting death and arson threats.
And let’s not get started on bakers in Colorado.
If you haven’t guessed by now, what we’re talking about here, at least at the political level, is consequences that are quite deliberately intended, even if the individuals seeking them deny it. Not quite “bait and switch”, not quite “preference falsification” – hell, not quite “dog whistle” – we all know this phenomenon, even if we don’t always recognize it.
Most teenagers will learn this one early on: really don’t like doing a particular chore? Do a consistently bad job at it and their parents will (all going well) get so exasperated with their poor performance that they stop asking them to do it.
However…
It’s been said many times that there are no solutions, only tradeoffs. Every advance creates an opening, every victory sows the seeds of a future defeat. Try to catch two rabbits at the same time and you’ll end up with neither. Ultimately what this means is that you cannot actually pursue the overt goals of your actions and your covert goals at the same time – even if they aren’t actively fighting each other – if there is any kind of opposition.
At the small scale, clever parents who see what their child is doing can retaliate in kind – “Oh, you need that shirt/dress clean by tomorrow? Sorry, I don’t have time to do laundry tonight; maybe you can figure out how to use the washing machine properly”.
Politically, the most obvious example is the 2016 election. The “unintended” effect of the prevailing narrative, pushed by basically every media outlet ad nauseam, of Hillary’s impending victory was supposed to be demoralizing Trump supporters into staying home. Obviously Hillary was going to win, so it was on the opposition to just learn how to accept that. Almost everything Hillary’s campaign engaged in for the final weeks of the campaign was intended to do just that, in fact.
I myself went to bed on November 8th 2016 expecting that I’d wake up to find she’d won. Imagine my shock the next morning, seeing the gleeful text message from my uncle that read “We’re making America great again!”
They discovered, to their horror, the truth of Sun Tzu’s lesson that knowing neither yourself – there were deep, systemic problems in Hillary’s candidacy that consistently went unaddressed and unacknowledged by her campaign and the media, not the least which were her own character flaws – nor the enemy – there were deep, systemic strengths to Trump’s candidacy that also were consistently unaccounted for, which ironically included things they saw as his character flaws – means you will succumb in every battle.
And finally, to address the elephant in the political arena, sometimes the overt goal is the real goal and the alleged covert goal is only projection.
That’s the Voter ID issue in a nutshell. The “Republicans are trying to suppress the black vote!” requires a certain… ironic corollary.
