Military Veterans and Patriots

Tag: Satire

  • Strong Capable Woman Asks Man To…

    Strong Capable Woman Asks Man To…

    Strong, Capable Woman Asks Man To Come With Her To Job Interview In Case They Ask Any Hard Questions

    From The Bee

    U.S. — A strong, capable, independent, girlboss of a woman that “don’t need no man” has reportedly asked a man to accompany her on a job interview in case there are any hard questions.

    Tim Walz, running mate for Kamala Harris on her 2024 presidential campaign, didn’t need any further explanation. “Yeah, okay,” he sighed. “I knew what I was signing up for.”

    According to sources, the pair prepped for the softball interview long into the night. Walz had hoped to prepare her enough that he wouldn’t have to go, but reluctantly, he called it a night after she failed to answer a question about her favorite ice cream flavor.

    “Come on, this is easy,” said Walz.

    “Well, there’s just so many flavors!” Harris said, unable to contain her laughter. “There’s chocolate, of course; always a classic. And vanilla! Right? But what is flavor? The flavor is what our tongue likes. If it likes something, right? Then we like it. You know? And ice cream is more expensive these days. It’s getting harder and harder to put ice cream on the table. And I know that because I also have a table. I have a house. I have a car. But some people don’t have those. So basically, that’s bad.”

    At publishing time, Kamala Harris had been asked about Israel but fortunately Tim Walz had interrupted just in time by shouting, “I like dogs!”

    A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options! 

    This was simply to timely andgood to pass up posting.

  • There’s A Knock At The…

    There’s A Knock At The…

    There are a raft of things I could use this Monday afternoon; however, a good dose of satire could lighten our outlook.

    Opinion: Concerns About FBI Raids Have Been Overblown And There’s No Need To Wor—Hang On, There’s A Knock At The Door

    Article Image

    BABYLON BEE HEADQUARTERS — We here at the Babylon Bee have been deeply saddened over the past days to see such mean-spirited criticism of our favorite institution of American government, the dearly beloved Federal Bureau of Investigation.

    While seeing agents storm the home of President Trump may give some cause for concern, we feel that the FBI has earned our trust. When they gave up figuring out a motive for the Vegas shooter, the FBI was honestabout it. When they were too busy to help gymnasts being sexually assaulted, they were honest about it and hung up the phone. When the anniversary of January 6th came around, who was there at the Capitol to show their support? The FBI. These are patriots who deserve our trust.

    In uncertain times like this, we as a country must come together in support of our bedrock institutions. We are facing unparalleled threats to our democracy. Who but the FBI will stand guard against the domestic terrorists who ask their local school board to stop segregation? How will America continue if we do not arrest those who build LEGO models of the Capitol? Now is not the time for talking about the well-documented cases of the FBI encouraging young men to commit mass shootings. No, friends. Now is the time for putting our absolute faith in the organization who so wisely protected Epstein’s clients, who labored for years to prove Russian collusion before discovering the Steele dossier was a hoax, and who we are sure will finally act on the evidence of Hunter Biden’s felonies any day now.

    So take a deep breath, America. The furor over a measly FBI raid is beyond silly, when the agency has never once descended into partisan politics. We here at the Babylon Bee still believe tha — wait just a minute, good reader. There’s a knock on the door, we’ll be right back.

  • Pileup At All-Female…

    Pileup At All-Female…

    The following totally had me howling with laughter.

    Pileup At All-Female Tour De France After Woman In Front Stops To Ask For Directions

    FRANCE — A spectacular crash at the Tour de France Femmes, the first-ever all-female Tour de France event following the main race, was reportedly caused by the woman in front stopping to ask for directions.

    According to witnesses, the lead rider came to a fork in the road and stopped to ask a bystander which way she should go.

    “I’m a little lost, sorry,” she said sheepishly after abruptly stopping her bicycle. “I tried turning on the little navigation thingy but couldn’t figure out how to work it. Do I make a left here?”

    The man patiently explained which way she should go using easy-to-understand directions like “north” and “south” but the female bicyclist still looked flummoxed.

    “I’m sorry, can you explain which way to go using Starbucks or Targets as landmarks?” As there were no Starbucks or Targets nearby, however, the man was unable to help her out. And then it was too late, as the rest of the bicyclists had caught up and plowed right into her in a massive crash.

    The race got started again after not too long, but was derailed again when the woman in front gasped and pumped her brakes suddenly after she thought she saw a car’s brake lights go on a mile ahead of her.

    At publishing time, sources had confirmed that while no male bicyclists at the real Tour de France had to stop for directions, they also got hopelessly lost and are still riding around the French countryside somewhere.

    Here are my disclaimers.

    1. I still have no clue how to use the navigation system in my car.

    2. I find using ’landmarks’ a very efficient method of arriving at my destination.

  • Fixing the Recession

    Fixing the Recession

    Again, something a bit different for ’News Bites’.

    Although the administration, along with their media acolytes, deny there is a recession, there are various ways to reverse it. In their Inimitable style, the Babylon Bee is providing us with recommendations.

    EVERYBODY PANIC!

    The GDP (Gross Domestic Product) numbers were released today and it turns out we’re in a recession.

    We’ve got to fix this immediately! Fortunately, we’ve consulted with the highly educated economists that got us into this mess to see how we can get out of it.

    Here are some great ways to reverse the recession immediately:

    1. Turn the GDP chart upside down: Wow, that was easy!
    2. Change what the word “recession” means: Why yes, the economy is experiencing good vibes. Thank you for asking, Mr. Doocy.
    3. Play the reverse card from your UNO hand that you’ve been holding onto: Oh no! The economy played its own reverse card!
    4. Think long and hard, ‘What would AOC do?’: Probably something really brilliant and progressive!
    5. Form a Congressional committee to research how to get out of recessions so they can publish their findings in 3 years: The buck stops eventually!
    6. Invade Canada and take all their GDP for ourselves: They don’t have any guns to defend themselves.
    7. Ask Ukraine for our $80 billion back: They probably haven’t spent it yet.
    8. Order a second season of Jan 6 hearings: That’ll distract everyone from their financial pains.
    9. Ask Joey, a fifth grader: He’ll know what to do!
    10. Replace the entire government with Ron Paul: We can only dream.

    This should reverse the recession in a jiffy! But if that doesn’t work we can always try redefining “reverse.”


    Although I posted the following on Friday, understanding the Biden’s administration nuanced definition of a recession, will be advantageous.

  • Roman Soldier Assigned…

    Roman Soldier Assigned…

    Roman Soldier Assigned To Guard Tomb Of Some Jewish Carpenter Looking Forward To Uneventful Weekend

    JERUSALEM—Local Roman soldier Plinius was given his guard assignment for the weekend and was delighted to see he’d been entrusted with guarding the tomb of “some Jewish carpenter guy,” as he’d be able to get some shut-eye and have a nice, relaxing weekend.

    Plinius pumped his fist and gave a little “Yeeeah boy” under his breath after his commanding officer told him he would be guarding the tomb of “this Jewish dude” who had apparently been causing some trouble.

    “I’m glad they didn’t put me where the action is—I really needed some downtime,” Plinius said to his fellow soldier, Martinus, who was absentmindedly throwing rocks at a stump some thirty feet away. “I know we joined up for the action, but once you get into the military, you start to appreciate the more chill assignments.”

    “I mean, guarding a tomb—how hard can it be?” he added. “Dead guys don’t typically get up and walk away, you know what I mean? HA!”

    “Hey, I bet you I can hit that boulder over there before you can, Marty.” The two spent a few hours trying to hit things with rocks before lining up some pottery and taking turns trying to nail them with their spears. “Boy, I tell ya. This is the life. And to think some suckers got assigned to patrol on the other side of the city today! The Jews are all riled up about something or another. I’m glad I’m out here with you, bud.”

    At publishing time, Plinius had woken up to a brilliant bright light. “Morning already?

  • Texas Annexes Oklahoma, Turns Entire State Into One Giant Buc-ee’s

    Texas Annexes Oklahoma, Turns Entire State Into One Giant Buc-ee’s

    OKLAHOMA—Texas has announced the unilateral annexation of Oklahoma. The entire state will be leveled and turned into one giant Buc-ee’s convenience store, according to sources within the Texas state government.

    The move was made as part of an attempt to find a use for the state to the north of Texas, as it seemed to just be acres and acres of nothing worthwhile.

    “There, that’s a far better use of these 7,000 useless square miles,” said Texas Governor Greg Abbott as bulldozers began demolishing the trailer parks, exotic cat zoos, and lame gas stations with fewer than 48 pumps that made up the state of Oklahoma. “Finally — weary travelers just passing through Oklahoma can experience fine refreshments, plenty of gas pumps, and extremely tasty snacks.”

    Abbott then bit into a glazed pistachio. “Oh, man. This is to die for.”

    The governor then cut a ribbon with a bayonet attached to an AR-15, officially opening the massive Buc-ee’s. The new fueling station has 800,000,000 pumps, 50,000 barbecue pits, hundreds of square miles of delicious flavored nuts, and over 10,000,000 of the cleanest bathrooms you’ll ever use.

    https://babylonbee.com/news/texas-annexes-oklahoma-turns-entire-state-into-one-giant-buc-ees

  • CDC Says Men Can Now…

    CDC Says Men Can Now…

    On an, almost, daily (truthfully hourly) basis the CDC changes ‘guidelines’.
    To show how completely idiotic the CDC is, the Babylon Bee has brought forth bathroom guidelines.

    CDC Says Men Can Now Safely Use The Urinal Right Next To Another Guy’s Urinal

    ATLANTA, GA—In a surprise move that may mark the end of the pandemic, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has announced recommendations allowing men to safely use the urinal right next to another guy’s urinal.

    CDC Director Dr. Rachel Walensky said, “This dramatic easing of urinal-centric restrictions comes at the conclusion of an 18-month observational study in which I surreptitiously observed men using urinals in malls, gas stations, and rest stops across the country. The accumulated data indicates leaving an empty urinal in between two men is no longer required.”

    Dr. Walensky clarified that the CDC still recommends men using urinals right next to other guys should still refrain from sighing loudly, clearing throats, spitting, or cracking anatomy-related jokes.

    Local urinal user Chad Baltzwick expressed doubt about this new post-pandemic easing of regulations, stating he will continue requiring an empty urinal on each side of him just to be safe.

  • Hundreds dead after…

    Hundreds dead after…

    Hundreds dead after

    Air Force dining facility runs out of truffles, wagyu beef

    Please God, let there still be Pâté.

    By Whiskey Fueled Tirade for DuffelBlog

    JOINT BASE SAN ANTONIO, Texas – Hundreds of airmen starved to death after the base dining facilities ran out of gourmet foodstuffs, including truffles and wagyu beef, sources confirmed today.

    “Last month we had to close down the sushi bar and now this,” Lt. Gen. Marshall B. Webb, commander of the Air Education and Training Command said during a press conference. “The good news is there are a few hundred less mouths to feed, so we will be able to stretch out the remaining Beluga caviar and bluefin tuna for a few more days.” 

    “This is worse than the Air Force-wide butler strike of ‘98.”

    Insiders say this isn’t the first time airmen have suffered over inadequate chow and broken dreams. In 1987, a dining facility at Minot Air Force Base ran out of Godiva chocolate milk for two weeks, nearly spurring a nuclear missile crisis. Nevertheless, Air Force leaders say they have a plan to mitigate the crisis until logistics are up and running again. 

    “We are asking our airmen to have an open mind, and be a bit more resilient,” Gen. Charles Q. Brown Jr., the Air Force Chief of Staff told reporters. “For a few months, they may have to settle for a good old-fashioned grass-fed Filet Mignon instead of wagyu filets, and porcini mushrooms instead of truffles. You know, rough it a bit, like the Army.”  

    “Besides, they’ll get hardship pay until we get this all sorted out.” 

    The Air Force is not the only service affected by global supply chain challenges. Soldiers say there has been a noticeable shortage of Military Special bourbon in the Class Six, sailors say their ships are running low on wilted lettuce, and Space Force senior leaders confirmed they are completely out of astronaut ice cream. Surprisingly, Marines appear to be largely unaffected. 

    “Global supply chain what?” asked Lance Cpl. Kendra Hopkins as she cleaned her M-16 and ate an expired MRE. “I didn’t even know we had a chow hall here.” 

    At press time, Joint Base San Antonio leaders released a statement saying several dozen airmen died of thirst after Acqua Panna was unable to refill base-wide water fountains with natural Italian spring water.

    Whiskey Fueled Tirade is an Army guy, distilled spirit consumer, and throw-away COA composter. If you have a favorite whiskey, recommend it to him on Twitter @FueledTirade. Cobra Commander and Paul Sharpe contributed to this reporting.

  • Biden Assures Everyone…

    Biden Assures Everyone…

    While the debacle of Afghanistan is occurring, Xiden took time to stop importation of certain ammunition. He has repetitively blathered about ‘assault weapons’. With their customary style, the Babylonbee has managed to combine the debacle and keeping ‘assault weapons’ out of certain groups hands.

    Biden Assures Everyone That While The Taliban Now Has American Tanks, Rocket Launchers, And Machine Guns, They Haven’t Gotten Any AR-15s

    WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Biden has received some criticism for how the exit was handled in Afghanistan. One problem is that Americans fled so quickly that numerous military weapons have now ended up in the hands of the Taliban. Biden held a press conference to assure the public that it’s not all as bad as it seems.

    “Yes, the Taliban has now gotten tanks from us,” Biden told the press. “They also got some humvees. And lots of explosives. But don’t worry: They did not get any AR-15s.”

    The AR-15 (which stands for AR-15 Rifle 15) is the deadliest weapon known to man, capable of such terrible actions as cocking and bullet firing. Scientists theorize that if the Taliban got one, they would become unstoppable, destroying the entire solar system, including Uranus.

    “If the Taliban come at us with our own weapons,” Biden said, “don’t worry: It will just be with like a rocket launcher or something because we left a bunch of those. Or maybe with that battlemech with Gatling guns for arms that we accidentally forgot about and left in a warehouse in Kabul. But it won’t be with an AR-15; if I thought they had those, I would have already fled to Mexico.”

    There was a scare, though, when pictures surfaced of the Taliban holding what looked a lot like AR-15s, but military sources identified the guns as M-16s, which are different.

  • Guide To Choosing A…

    Guide To Choosing A…


    With the weekend on the horizon, some may decide to do some shopping.
    If a new gun is on your list, here are some suggestions.🤓😎😂

    The Babylon Bee Guide To Choosing A Gun That’s Right For You

    There comes a time in every Christian’s life when he must make an important decision: What kind of firearm should I buy? Well, here’s a guide to help you know which gun is right for you.

    Glock: What if you miss on the first shot? What if you miss on the second shot? What if you miss on the next ten shots? Fortunately, you can fit like 1,000 bullets in a Glock. And it’s made of plastic; make sure to recycle it after you’re done. We don’t want a landfill full of Glocks.

    Perfect for: People too lazy to reload

    Walther PPK: Look at this little gun. And it has such a cute little name. What an adorable thing to put in your purse.

    Perfect for: British secret agent or a small American child

    Civil War Cannon: Why waste all that time shooting a bunch of little tiny bullets when you can shoot one big bullet the size of a coconut? This is a great option for the gentleman connoisseur of fine-aged weaponry.

    Perfect for: Those with mutton-chop facial hair and a love for exploding things

    .44 Magnum: Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk? More importantly, do you feel like shooting through a car windshield? The .44 magnum is the most powerful handgun in the world… or it was like back in the ’70s. There are a lot more large, unwieldy guns to pick from now, but this is a classic.

    Perfect for: Cops who get the job done even if they don’t follow all the rules

    Shotgun: Are you not very good at aiming? Maybe you have bad eyesight. You can’t really see what you want to shoot, but you know you want it dead. Then a shotgun is right for you. It’s great at close range (though the CDC doesn’t recommend shooting people at close range during a pandemic).

    Perfect for: Farmers who need to force people to marry their daughters

    Plasma Rifle: If aliens invade, you need a plasma rifle, since, as everyone knows, shooting aliens is way cooler with a plasma rifle. You can also use them to light cigars and heat casseroles at potlucks. Very useful.

    Perfect for: Space Marines, Ellen Ripley, and people who smoke cigars 

    1911: An old, old design (the name refers to how it was first made 500 years ago in 1911). This gun is for people who are stuck in the past and don’t care for newfangled things like TikToks and Twitters. No, you shoot those things — you shoot them with your 1911.

    Perfect for: Old men who long for the good old days when men were men and there weren’t any of these other fake genders.

    Desert Eagle: It’s big. It’s shiny. It’s not really practical for anything. But it’s big. And shiny.

    Perfect for: People compensating for something

    AR-15: The AR stands for “Assault Rifle” and the 15 stands for how many people you can assault with it at once. Deadlier than the AR-14 (but not quite as deadly as the AR-16), the AR-15 is a fun gun everyone enjoys. I have six because I’m always misplacing them.

    Perfect for: Absolutely everyone