Military Veterans and Patriots

Tag: Satire

  • Here’s What’s Problematic…

    Here’s What’s Problematic…

    Here’s What’s Problematic With Each Of The NFL’s 32 Team Names

    Amid calls for justice, NFL teams are taking bold steps to change their team names and end racism. This has caused controversy since everyone is racist. Are you confused? Never fear! We at The Babylon Bee are here to educate you. We believe that all 32 teams were built by a system of whiteness that must be dismantled, one team name at a time. 

    We MUST do better. Here is why every NFL team name is very problematic:

    Arizona Cardinals – Too religious.

    Atlanta Falcons – Celebrates one of the cheapest Smash Bros. characters, who is a smug little punk only jerks choose.

    Baltimore Ravens – Named after the Disney Channel show That’s So Ravenwithout the POC protagonist’s permission.

    Buffalo Bills – Bills are an evil byproduct of capitalism.

    Carolina Panthers – The panther was appropriated wholesale from Wakandan culture.

    Chicago Bears – Murderous bears should never be celebrated.

    Cincinnati Bengals – It just sounds racist. We’re looking into it.

    Cleveland Browns – Brown what? Are you talking about skin color again? Sounds like white fragility.

    Dallas Cowboys – A mutant half boy, half cow is tragic and shouldn’t be used as a mascot.

    Denver Broncos – Horses have been subjugated and enslaved for millennia.

    Detroit Lions – Lions are not vegans.

    Green Bay Packers – Glorifies butcherous meat packers. Meat causes global warming. Gross.

    Houston Texans – Celebrates the most racist state in the Union.

    Indianapolis Colts – This name glorifies guns.

    Jacksonville Jaguars – Jaguars are driven by evil rich billionaires as they run over poor people.

    Kansas City Chiefs – We suggest switching to Kansas City Wise Indigenous Tribal Elders.

    Las Vegas Raiders – Celebrates The Raiders of the Lost Ark, which featured prominent Nazi imagery.

    Los Angeles Chargers – We don’t think anyone who has faced down a line of charging riot police would find this name the least bit funny.

    Los Angeles Rams – Dodge Rams contribute heavily to the climate crisis.

    Miami Dolphins – Painful reminder that Sea World still exists.

    Minnesota Vikings – Associated with patriarchy-dominated Norse mythology.

    New England Patriots – REEEEEEEEEEEE

    See Also: Who Shall I blame today?

    New Orleans Saints – Goes against the constitutional principle of separation of church and sports.

    New York Giants – They prefer the term “persons of height.” 

    New York Jets – The burning of jet fuel contributes to global warming.

    Philadelphia Eagles – Eagles are a well-known Nazi symbol.

    Pittsburgh Steelers – Steel contributes to global warming.

    San Francisco 49ers– The gold miner mascot hearkens back to manifest destiny and the destruction of Mother Earth

    Seattle Seahawks – Birds are unable to give consent to have their name used as mascots.

    Tampa Bay Buccaneers – This one’s actually OK because they were probably just stealing bread to feed their families.

    Tennessee Titans – Reinforces the harmful idea of power structures and male-dominated hierarchies.

    Washington Redskins – Nothing wrong with this one as far as we can tell.

    We hope this informative list is a wake-up call to the NFL. If we continue to work on ourselves, we can help the NFL become more inclusive! Within 20 years, we may get them to put down the ball and kick it around as the ancient Aztecs intended us to. 

  • In Ultimate Act Of Sacrificial Love…

    In Ultimate Act Of Sacrificial Love…

    In Ultimate Act Of Sacrificial Love, Man Plugs In Wife’s Phone Instead Of His

    July 7th, 2020

    PRESCOTT, AZ—The marital community was shaken to its core Monday evening as local man Brett Larson performed the ultimate act of sacrificial love: plugging in his wife’s phone instead of his own.

    The couple, which somehow only has one charger despite owning two smartphones and three tablets, is in a constant, passive-aggressive cold war over the last remaining charger. But Larson, in a breathtaking display of humility and generosity, put an end to the conflict by plugging in his wife’s phone as they went to bed last night.

    Larson performed this supreme act of agape love despite the fact that his phone only had 11% remaining. “The Bible commands me to lay my life down for my wife, as Christ loved the Church,” Larson said as he tearfully watched his phone deplete its little remaining charge, his wife sleeping peacefully beside him. She then stole the covers from him, leaving him in the chilly, air-conditioned expanse. “It’s OK,” he said. “It’s what Jesus wants.”

    “Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his own dying phone for his wife’s.”

    Not all husbands are happy with Larson’s sacrifice, however.

    “Brett’s really making the rest of us look bad,” said disgruntled Tallahassee husband Gary Weathers. “It’s like, stop overachieving. Next they’re going to expect us to unload the whole dishwasher instead of just getting out the one dish we need to have a bowl of cereal. Plus, they’ll want us to close the box of cereal. And then put it back in the cupboard! It’s a real slippery slope.”

    Original: babylonbee.com –In Ultimate Act Of Sacrificial Love, Man Plugs In Wife’s Phone Instead Of His

  • Rocky Balboa Statue Goes 15 Rounds Against Rioters

    Rocky Balboa Statue Goes 15 Rounds Against Rioters

    PHILADELPHIA, PA—First, the rioters came for Andrew Jackson. Then, they came for Ulysses S. Grant. Then, they came for the Fonz for some reason. But finally, they came for the ultimate racist statue: the famous monument to Rocky Balboa in front of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. It’s not clear why they thought it was racist, but the guy in the statue seemed to be happy, so he was probably a conservative of some kind whenever he existed, they reasoned.

    But the statue survives to fight another day, as it went a full 15 rounds against rioters and was still standing after the bout.

    The weak, sissy rioters charged the statue and started punching it, hurting their little man-baby hands and running away to cry to their parents, whom they probably still live with. A second wave came in, but Rocky stood strong. Things got a little dicey in the seventh round, when one rioter threw a rope around the statue and suggested everyone start rocking it back and forth, but then their soft, buttery smooth hands got chafed by the rope and they had to call it quits to nurse their wounds with coconut oil.

    “Balboa was a real champion out there,” said one witness. “It was incredible.”

    See Also: VA commits suicide in veteran’s driveway after reading post-care survey

    Finally, after 15 waves of angry rioters charged the statue, the dust settled, and Balboa won again, having gone for a full 15 rounds without breaking a sweat. Balboa was declared the winner in a unanimous decision as the judges were appalled at the rioters’ lack of form, indicating they had never punched anything before, except maybe customers’ buy-six-get-one-free cards at Jamba Juice.

    Original Here: babylonbee.com-Rocky Balboa Statue Goes 15 Rounds Against Rioters

  • VA commits suicide in veteran’s driveway after reading post-care survey

    VA commits suicide in veteran’s driveway after reading post-care survey

    by Off The Beaten Path

    WASHINGTON — After a long battle with customer satisfaction issues, the Department of Veterans Affairs—known to friends and coworkers as “VA”— took its own life in a veteran’s driveway Tuesday evening after reading the former service member’s highly critical post-care survey.

    “I tried so hard to make sure patients have something to listen to during their many, many, many hours waiting to see their providers,” VA told a police negotiator. “Don’t veterans understand how hard it is to make a playlist? We can’t just leave ‘Fortunate Son’ on repeat.”

    VA was extremely familiar with the songs veterans would listen to on deployment playlists, most of which they would play in the waiting rooms to ensure patients were on the verge of a flashback prior to the start of their appointments.

    VA shared its despair with its long-time partner DoD in a text Tuesday morning, just hours prior to VA’s violent demise.

    “Do people honestly think we can keep on a tight schedule with how many veterans we have coming in daily?” VA asked. “Most of them take more time than we plan for during their appointments, causing us to get an hour or two, or four behind schedule.”

    Witnesses say VA kept a wide variety of outdated magazines for entertainment, as well as a television tuned to CNN, in its waiting room to ensure the veterans stay depressed during their substantial wait times. VA’s coworkers say that during the days leading up to VA’s passing, VA began giving away personal items such as 30-year-old framed pictures of the Army values, a Black Hawk Down movie poster, and an autographed picture of Colin Powell.

    “I don’t know why cable companies are allowed to give a three or four hour window for service, but VA can’t do the same,” said DoD. “We try to do our best, most the time, but just because we get stuck with a few whiners for longer than expected doesn’t mean our patients have the right to be so mean on their post-care surveys.”

    Friends say in recent years, VA grew increasingly desperate at each round of negative feedback, sending patients multiple surveys following appointments, hoping against hope customers would have something nice to say about the care they received for the post-operative infections, accidental exposure to deadly viruses, and easy access to highly addictive medications. Sadly, the friends say, each subsequent form only resulted in additional criticism.

    “I read the survey that made VA off itself, and it was really mean” said one friend, who asked only to be identified as “HHS.” “The patient put in the survey that VA didn’t care about them, or any other veteran for that matter, and went on to say that they were better off just buying a bottle of jack and talking to their dog about their issues since their dog actually gives a shit about them.”

    DoD and HHS said they are planning a memorial for VA and will launch an awareness campaign asking people to do two push-ups and then change their social media profile pictures in an attempt to fight PTSD and depression among government agencies.

    Editor’s Note:

    Yes, this is satire……but not really…….hmmmmmm

    — RU 05 July 2020 —