Satire: This is CNN
How might CNN have reported the news had they been around in the 19th century, or later?
Eric Utter for American Thinker
CNN is getting famous for its sugarcoating certain elements of the news, which is to say the things it likes, such as America’s enemies, and anything that harms U.S. interests. They miss their ledes, ignore important stories, and show their bias, again and again. Now it’s gotten bad out there in recent years.
So here’s what I imagine CNN might have reported, had they been around before 1980, and in a few years beyond, given their new style of ‘journalism.’ Satire, of course, for those who are slow.
April 19, 1775: Loud popping noises were heard ringing out on a beautiful spring day during which British troops, impeccably clad in their distinguished red uniforms, were guarding the town, selflessly protecting everyone from lawlessness and accidental injury.
April 12, 1861: Southern troops were surprised when cannon fire erupted near Fort Sumter, shattering the silence of an otherwise surreally beautiful — and peaceful — early April morning in Charleston Harbor.
April 14, 1865: A moment of trepidation descended on Ford’s Theater while theatergoers were engrossed in Tom Taylor’s brilliant play, “Our American Cousin.” Apparently, President Lincoln lost consciousness at one point and had to be attended to by those surrounding him. While the president’s status is currently unknown, sources tell CNN he is expected to fully recover. Other than that, how was the play Mrs. Lincoln?
December 7, 1941– Pearl Harbor: “There are literally hundreds of Japanese planes swirling around the cerulean sky this morning, taking part in a fiery, entertaining, but mostly peaceful demonstration of sorts. These pilots of The Rising Sun are exhibiting great skill… and great discretion on this early December morn.
April 29, 1945 — Germany: You are seeing images of Dachau, the German camp for Jews, that has just been liberated by the U.S. Seventh Army. We are learning more about these camps as I speak, but it appears these were not just summer camps or Bible camps, but somewhat challenging (though mostly peaceful) installations…”
June 12, 1987 — Brandenberg Gate, Germany: An obviously deranged President Reagan stated, “General Secretary Gorbachev, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, if you seek liberalization: Come here to this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” The elderly warmonger insisted that the leader of the world’s largest and most successful communist state should travel to a hostile foreign nation and see to the destruction of the wall that nation built to keep crazed capitalists from pouring into it by the thousands? Nuts!
September 11, 2001—New York City: New York has been the scene this beautiful, sunny morning of a fiery — but mostly peaceful — demonstration of Jihadist resistance to American bigotry and xenophobia fomented by Republicans. You can be sure far-right media outlets will highlight the number of folks who may have been killed or injured this morning, but we should remember that the vast majority of us are perfectly fine …
November 4, 2008: In an election for the ages, Democrat Barack Obama, the Light Bringer and New Messiah, was immaculated sworn in as the 44th president of the United States today, sending tingles up the legs and nether regions of almost everyone on Earth…
November 8, 2016: In an obviously stolen sham of an election, Donald J. Trump was allegedly elected president of the United States, proving that morons and asshats really do get their time in the sun. Already, officials and experts are claiming that the only reason The Donald won was because of Russian Collusion and election interference. Really, what other reason could there be? “Faith, family, and firearm types,” more correctly known as far-right clingers, are celebrating in fly-over states tonight, probably drinkin’ moonshine, bangin’ their cousins, and shooting at beer cans. God is dead… if there ever was one.
February 22, 2026: The U.S. men’s Olympic hockey team, though badly outplayed, somehow defeated Canada 3-2 to win the Gold Medal at the recent Winter Olympic Games in Milan, Italy, it’s its first gold medal in 46 years, since the 1980 “Miracle on Ice” team of the far-right late Herb Brooks. As many expected, the team wallowed in toxic masculinity and drunkenly partied down with drunken members of the far-right Trump administration, a truly sickening display of nationalism, ableism, and misogyny. Hockey sucks, as it seems to be a sport of wealthy, far-right individuals who almost incessantly strive for excellence. Yuck.
March 15 — From the CNN newsroom: It has now become crystal clear that far-right President Donald J. Trump approved the attack on Iran simply because he doesn’t like to see women in hijabs and burkas. Moreover, Secretary of State Marco Rubio allegedly does not like Iranian food, further adding to the impetus to attack the United Nations member in good standing, an action CNN has decried and repudiated since the attacks first started.At least three different anonymous sources contributed to this report.
There’s no sugarcoating it: Watching CNN attempt to portray itself as a legitimate news source is an appalling and repulsive —if mostly peaceful — endeavor, in and of itself.
Image: Pixabay, via Picryl // CCO 1.0 universal public domain
